Archives For grieving

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This article in not an endorsement of any political party or opinion.  Like you I have my opinions, some strong, but this is not the place for them.  This article is born from conversations with a dear friend, with whom I don’t always agree but I respect and love, who is grieving.  It is also from being a father trying to help two new voters, and one future voter, in my family make sense of the volatile political climate.  

By 11:00 PM on election night it began to be evident who was most likely to win the presidential election.  It was not the widely predicted outcome and this is now being dubbed the biggest presidential upset in history by some.  In fact our nation is so widely split on political opinions that regardless of who won, roughly 48% of the people were going to be upset or angry.  This year it is just the opposite half of the nation from those who were upset in 2008.  Not all people are grieving, but some were so heavily invested in the outcome of this election that they are devastated.  There is a difference between grief and dissatisfaction.  Most people are just angry or shocked, but in some ways the 2016 election many lead to more grieving than normal.

Many women were highly invested in this election.  They were hoping for the breaking of the glass-ceiling so this election was particularly important to them.  Added to that, the widely broadcast and posted “locker room talk” video touched a nerve, sometimes even a fear, that women face every day.  I know this is true because I have daughters and they have informed me of how common it is for them to be faced with degrading and misogynistic talk.  Many women, possibly even some who voted for the winner, are concerned that this will be seen as an endorsement to some men that it is okay to behave in this manner.  This makes it even more personal for women and men who are more sensitive to women’s struggles.  Regardless of gender there are some things that can relieve your grief.

Consider taking a break from social media and TV.  In the aftermath there will continue to be arguments and opinions everywhere.  The Fall weather has arrived in much of our nation.  Get outside, feel the sun on your face, breath the crisp air and see that the world is still spinning.

Take an historical perspective.  If you are grieving I assume it is because you love our nation and have hopes for us.  Just remember that this nation you love has been through worse divides, even civil war, and you still love it.  Our freedom to choose sometimes ends in results we like and sometimes it does not.  People who thought the nation would fall apart after the 2008 election were wrong.  We can continue to be a great nation after this one as well.

Look for signs of the good aspects of our system.  Even as I write this, the current president is meeting with the president elect preparing for a smooth transition after a free election, just as happened in 2008.  Will things get ugly again?  Most assuredly, but try to maintain a wider perspective.  Roughly half of the nation agrees with you.  You will live to fight another day.  We should all hope that both sides will find a way to come together and make our nation a better place.

Take a deep breath and prepare to be a part of the solution.  After you have raked some leaves, walked your dog, or had a run through the park, start to think about how you can positively make a difference.  You cannot do that by posting on social media, so scratch that off the list right now.  Find a cause and join in.  Sitting at home watching TV and being frustrated will nor make you feel better.  Being among people who encourage you and give you hope will.  You can do this in a church, relief organization, non-profit, or political party but get involved.  Don’t count on the efforts of other people to make you feel better.  Be an agent of hope.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, listen to the other side.  Our nation will only truly improve when we hear each other.  I make it a point to have friends on both sides of the issues, especially the issues for which I have strong feelings.  It is very freeing to love someone with whom you disagree, to find there are many things on which you do agree, and to be rid of hate.  As a man I  listen to women and hear why they feel the way they do.  As a white man I listen to my black friends who have fears I cannot understand in my own experience.  Whether we agree on the reasons or not, we find that hearing each other brings us together and closer to a solution.  This will take your grief away and replace it with hope.

 

 

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How you grieve will sometimes make others uncomfortable.  From the day of your loss and for many years later, people will be watching how you remember the one you lost.  It’s just human nature.  If you laugh on the day of the funeral, some will wonder how you can be happy.  If you cry ten years later, some will say you have not healed properly.  Social media–Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Shapchat–have provided a whole new dimension of opportunities, decisions, and scrutiny.  Should you post something on the first anniversary of your loss?  Is it too maudlin?  What about the fifth or tenth anniversary?  If you were to ask your friends and family you would likely get a mix of responses that would not help much.  Certainly to live an emotionally healthy life there must be healing and you must find a new beginning, but ultimately your appropriate expression of grief is personal and not for others to judge.  To use a current phrase–you be you.  At the same time, your grief is mostly a private matter.

Today is the 28th anniversary of my marriage to Tina Sanges, and December 16 will mark the tenth anniversary of her passing.  She hasn’t been my wife for a decade but I can’t erase this date from my mind, nor should I.  Over time like the picture above those memories fade, yet I can’t help remembering and feeling the loss.  It does not mean that I have not healed, it means I have a heart.  For me, posting anything on social media seems inappropriate.  I know this blog is exactly that, but this post is for the benefit of those I seek to help, not me (mostly).  To make a memorial post on my personal social media pages is too much and would be more for show than remembrance, for me.  Among my family, and friends who were close to her it is suitable to remember privately.  For my children it is essential to talk about it.  Obviously if I were remarried I would want to be respectful to my wife in my expression.  That is a post to come later.  Ultimately the way you handle anniversaries and meaningful dates is your choice alone.

Although you cannot adjust your true feelings for others, their reactions can help you discern what is appropriate publicly.  There is no right or wrong, but you do have to admit that it can be difficult for people around you to know what to say or do.  As much as they can’t tell you how to feel, neither can you tell them how to feel.  People exposed to your grief truly don’t know what to do with it.  It is uncomfortable, for you and them.  Of course their are also those who will grieve along with you.  Grieve in a way that you feel is appropriate and be okay with that, regardless of how those on the fringe react.

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Creative Commons Photo/Imelda

If you are like me, you feel the pain at this time every year.  Of course nobody grieves more on this 15th anniversary of the 9/11 World Trade Center attack than the families and friends of the nearly 3,000 people who died on that day.  In addition even more names have been added to the casualty list as civilians and emergency responders have died as a result of exposure to the toxic dust they inhaled in the aftermath.  Those who knew and loved these men and women grieve the deepest, but it is very normal for those of us who didn’t personally know them to feel grief at this time as well.  Everyone remembers what they were doing and where they were the day everything came to a halt and all eyes were on New York.  Even now, on this day, every name is read in a public memorial service.

The greatest loss of life in our nation combined with personal painful losses and can have quite an effect.  For me, Fall and the upcoming holiday season cause me to be a bit  melancholy anyway.  I am not conscious of it but it begins to creep up on me and I recognize it when it appears.  To be sure there are many things I love about this time of year and happiness is not a stranger, but I cannot shake a nagging sadness for several reasons–I was married in October of 1988, my late wife’s favorite time of the year was fall, and she passed away at age 40 right before Christmas.  I do not intentionally think about these things or dwell on them but they show up anyway.  Her absence among my children and family members cannot be ignored at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So for me the September 11 anniversary begins to usher in the feelings.  It cannot be stopped and shouldn’t be ignored, but there is a healthy response.

Dealing with grief requires you to fight at times.  There is a difference between burying your pain and battling your pain.  To bury is to ignore it and will cause only deeper pain for you and those around you.  To fight your pain you must acknowledge it, feel it, and make a decision it will not rule or ruin your life and happiness.  You cannot will the pain away but you can make a conscious decision the you will not give in to it.  The pain can be a fuel you use for change, a reason to fight.  You have two choices:  1)  dwell in the pain the rest of your life, or 2) embrace the change in your life as a chance for new opportunities.  The latter is where new joy can be found.  Grief will sneak up on you at times even from events that may not be directly attached to you, like 9/11.  It is up to you whether you are going to let the fog of grief move back in or embrace the light that comes from new possibilities.

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As I write this, there have been many recent high profile deaths in the news.  In such places as Orlando, Baton Rouge, St. Paul, Dallas, Paris, and Nice, hundreds have been killed in escalating climates.  We see a few memorials on the news, but most of the talk is about who is to blame.  Across social media people pontificate about the causes and solutions but make little actual effort to make things better.  While all of the chatter continues, families and friends of the ones who were lost are grieving.  They will get lots of help, and media attention on the days before and the day of the funeral, but when they go home their lives are forever changed.  For the rest of their lives their loved ones will be part of a news story forever linked with this era, but it will not bring them back.  If you know any of these people, they need you for the days and years to come.  Most who read this will not know any of these grieving people, but you do know someone else who has had a recent loss.  Reach out to them.

Hearing of someone else losing a loved one can bring back the pain of their own loss.  This is not to say they will never be happy again, but part of their happiness is gone forever.  More than ever they need to know that people around them care.  Because of the ease of communication in our time it takes little effort to send a text, email, Facebook comment or inbox, Instagram DM, Snapchat–the list is endless.  This is a nice reminder that someone out there is thinking about you but they need much more than that.  It is all too easy for a grieving person to stay in the cocoon of their home and read messages and marinate in their pain.  They need more than messages or even phone calls.  They need the touch of interaction with someone who cares.

In the beginning invite them to dinner, coffee, or for a walk.  Allow them to talk without judgement.  Resist the desire to tell them how to feel.  That just makes them hurt more.  Just listen, even if you don’t agree with everything they express.  They just need to vent.  If you put in the time they are more likely to allow you to help later.  Invite them to do some things that will distract them, such as a movie, concert or party but don’t force it early on.  When you do go out be sensitive to the fact that any of these things may bring memories which can bring sadness.  Don’t get angry just let it be.  It has to happen.  Hurting people must go through the dark times before they can see the sunshine again.  If you really care, travel closely with them through the full journey.  A friend that will do that is a rare and cherished one.  Helping one person around you might change the world.

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Summertime and the living is easy … well maybe, maybe not, but we do tend to find some down time in the summer.  Families with children regularly take advantage of the days when the kids are out of school.  Finding time to get away takes planning but summer is a good time to build some new, happy memories.  A happy time may be more difficult when there is a glaring empty space in the family.  This space cannot be filled by another person, nor can it be ignored.  Both will lead to more pain than healing.  So the challenge, as in all grieving situations, is to learn to enjoy life and still deal with the emotions associated with loss.

I have to begin by saying that it is okay to forget sometimes.  You must.  If you try to spend every waking moment remembering someone who isn’t there you will never find peace.  “Moving on” is not a profane phrase, it all depends on how you move on.  You can move on and still honor the person you lost.  This is a balance and I can tell you from experience that guiding your children is not easy.  Every child is on a different journey and they do not all need the same type of attention, but they all need attention.  You will hit the mark and miss the mark, but they will know you care if your heart and intention are genuine.  With that in mind here are a few summertime suggestions:

Idleness is not good.  Kids certainly need some down time and a week or two of doing nothing at home isn’t bad, but they need something to do.  This can be a vacation, spending time with grandparents, volunteering, camps, swimming pool passes, jobs–you name it.  Kids like to rest but they also know when they have wasted time.  Give them something positive to do.  They may resist but do it anyway.  They will feel better.

Do something new.  When planing a day trip or long vacation, familiarity can be good but it can also highlight the fact that someone is missing.  Early on after my wife died I took my kids to Branson, MO, a trip their mom had planned for us many times.  Although we did have a little fun it was hard on all of us and the overall vibe of the trip was not good.  I suggest going somewhere where new experiences prevail over old memories.

Include some one-on-one experiences.  Individual time with your children is the most reassuring for them.  I have three children, girl/boy/girl, spanning 7 years in age.  Of course they are all very different.  A day of fun planned specifically for each of them individually does much more to make them feel loved and secure than a big family vacation.  It gives you time to hear their specific needs and feelings.

Do not pack too much in the schedule.  The temptation when planning any outing is to squeeze in as much activity as y0u can.  Everyone has their own definition of a fun vacation, but don’t be so busy you don’t have time to connect.

Summer may not always be easy but it is a natural time to plan some healing activities.  You don’t have to go far or spend a lot of money.  Relaxing time together can be healing time together.  You can’t force a child to feel a certain way, but you can show them how you feel about them by giving them your time.

 

Eubanks familyThe last formal family photo with Tina Eubanks in March 2006, nine months before she passed away.

There are times after the loss of your mother when rational thought does not come easy.  On social media people are posting pictures of their mother, and a mix of emotions emerge–pain, anger, regret, happiness.  In your head you know that everyone who has their mother is doing exactly what they should … what you would be doing if your mother was still here.  You would visit her, have a meal, give her cards, and tell her how much she means to you, but you cannot.  I don’t know this feeling firsthand.  My mother is still here, a survivor of cancer and cancer free for almost 30 years.  When I was married in 1988 my mother was undergoing cancer treatment.  She is still here, but the mother of my children is not.  My children were 12, 8, and 5 when their mother passed away.  Nearly a decade later, they miss her every day.  Of course most people lose their mother at some point and it is always hard, but going through your childhood and teenage years without her is a unique kind of pain.

As a father of three hurting children I wanted to do what most men want to do, fix it, but this can’t be fixed.  I tried many things and found ways to survive Mother’s Day.  Decision number one was to skip church and don’t eat out on Sundays.  It is too painful to see everyone else with their mothers.  Decision number two was to do something different, not sit around the house moping.  The first year I took them to the pet store and bought them all hamsters.  I wouldn’t recommend you do that, really, but at least it gave us something to smile about that day and the stories we have are fun memories.  For us, a mixture of diversion and remembering has worked.  We have settled on visiting my mother most of the time.  She and my wife were very close and the she is adored by my children.  She has filled many mothering roles for them.

Deciding what to do is not easy.  I had to try to perceive the thoughts and feelings of my children.  Knowing what one wants during grief is difficult.  Even the griever does not know for sure except that they want the one thing they can’t have.  It is even harder to discern the feelings and needs of children.  The key is to stop trying to make them feel a certain way.  Listen, observe, and discern how they already feel.  Address that.  One thing I learned early on for them is that visiting the cemetery was not something that helped them at all, so we didn’t.  That ritual is only for the living and if it doesn’t help, don’t do it.  You have to find a middle ground of remembering without being maudlin, distracting without dishonoring.  I can’t say I have always done it right.  Most days we have moved on and are living the life before us, but on Mother’s Day she must be honored and remembered.

 

Often when you have had a painful loss, it doesn’t feel like the grief will ever end.  You might not even want it to end, fearful that if you begin to feel good again it might mean you don’t care anymore.  Then you may also have friends and family further removed who are urging you to “get better” more quickly.  Of course they are doing so because they care and don’t like seeing you hurt.  All of this adds extra pressure and confusion.  You must keep in mind that grief is a natural healing process.  When a person is physically ill, a doctor cannot give you an exact timetable until you are healed.  Grieving is the same.  There is no preset, exact timetable for healing.

I write this during NCAA Tournament time which reminds me of the month of March 2007.  It had been one year since my wife had been diagnosed with cancer and 2 1/2 months since she had passed away.  The tournament was starting, my favorite sporting event of the year.  My old friends were setting up their brackets and I joined them, but of course I couldn’t get excited about it this time.  I was still in a mode of withdrawal and just doing the daily activities of survival for me and my kids.  I filled out my bracket and entered it, but I didn’t really care.  Now, nine years later, I am excited about it again.  I filled out my bracket today with much joy and anticipation of coming out on top among my friends.  The change didn’t happen quickly, for me it took about four years before my joy was fully restored, gradually increasing each year.

Basketball players are restricted by a time clock to reach their goal but you are not.  Your goal is to stay in the game.  You do have this in common with a basketball player:  It is your goal to keep fighting.  Healing doesn’t occur without effort.  It helped me to have my kids, and my job.  There was a reason to get out of bed everyday.  I had to show my children how to keep living.  I enrolled us in a family grieving program.  I took them on family trips.  I interacted with friends and family even when it was hard.  I prayed with them even though I was angry at God.  I even tried to find something to make us laugh every day.  Those things did not always make us happy, and they certainly didn’t erase the pain of our loss, but they kept us in the game.  Don’t try to put your healing on a timeline.  Just do the things that make life worth living even when it still hurts.  Find a someone who can help you process and understand your feelings and pain, and heal.  In the amount of time that is right for you, a new beginning will begin to emerge.  You will find a new beginning and a renewed happiness.

Jessica and Kime at the Tournament(With my daughter Jessica at the first round of the NCAA Tournament in Little Rock, 2008)

 

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Have you ever noticed a person who doesn’t seem to be acting appropriately after a life-changing event?  People sometimes act out of character after being dealt a devastating blow.  Many were incredulous when a father who had lost his child during the Sandy Hook shooting was laughing as he approached the podium for a news conference, only to turn serious and mournful in appearance when he started speaking.  The conspiracy theorists claimed it was proof he was an actor and the whole event was faked.  The truth is that his behavior is indeed bizarre, but also not abnormal for the situation.  We have no idea all of the emotions that man was experiencing at the moment.  His life was turned upside down by a death that was senseless.

I am reminded of episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show in which one of their coworkers at the TV station, Chuckles the Clown, passed away in a bizarre accident.  At the funeral something made Mary laugh and she couldn’t hold it back.  The more she tried, the more she laughed.  Although some were mortified, it may have been a fitting response for a man whose career was to make people laugh.  This was a good portrayal of grief that may seem unusual, even unseemly, but is not inappropriate.  There is nothing normal about the death of someone you love, losing your job, losing your home, or any catastrophic event.  These are disruptions to the framework of your life that you use everyday to define normal.  For that reason it is quite common for a person to act in ways that others might determine to be improper for the environment.  Those concerned should allow the grieving person to express it in whatever way they want, within reason.  People who are hurting truly don’t know how to act and may go through a variety of emotions, some of which may seem strange.

It is okay to express your grief through tears, anger, laughter or even solitude.  Of course their are inappropriate ways to grieve including self-medication and risky behavior.  These will not heal, but take you away from peace and normalcy you seek.  Some people will not understand your expressions of grief.  Some will criticize you.  It is good to have people in your life who will watch over you but just let you express yourself, unless you are endangering yourself or others.  They can be family members who are more removed from the severity of the loss, or friends, or support groups.  Feel free to contact me with concerns about your own grief or that of someone you know at kime.eubanks@gmail.com.

Glenn Frey Eagles tour

Recently the loss of music legends Glenn Frey, David Bowie, and Maurice White made many of us feel melancholy.  Fans of Celine Dion may have grieved for her when she lost both her husband and her brother within a few days.  People sometimes ask me if it is normal for us to grieve when someone that we don’t even know dies.  Are we just overly obsessed fans?  Sometimes callous remarks are made that people who grieve over celebrities should “get a life”.  We didn’t really know them, right?  Of course we don’t know them, but we do have a connection to them.  When John F. Kennedy passed away, a whole nation grieved.  Very few of them ever met the president.  People all over the world grieved for the loss of Princess Diana.

Music holds a unique and powerful place in most of our lives.  You hear “Take It Easy” or “Lying Eyes” by the Eagles and it takes you right back to childhood summers at the local swimming pool.  “Modern Love” comes on the radio, and reminds you of watching David Bowie on MTV with your friends in college.  Maybe you saw Earth, Wind, and Fire on tour just a few years ago and sat listening, as I did, and reminisced about an old love with whom you used to dance to “That’s The Way of The World”.  The artists who created these songs wrote the soundtrack to our life events.  It’s is no wonder that it’s sad to hear of their passing.  It reminds us of our own mortality and, if nothing else, that we are getting older.  When Glenn Frey passed away I heard radio personalities both local and national admit it bummed them out a little.  I had seen The Eagles live just six months prior to the news of his death and it took the wind out of my sails for a bit.  It is normal and healthy to grieve when you lose a part of your life history.  It only becomes a concern if you were already in a debilitating state of grief and this takes you farther down.

People who are in a foggy pattern of grief don’t need much to take them deeper.  Often a person deep in grief will feel like bad news is just piling on, even if the events are years apart.  The truth is that losses such as that of a favorite musician are happening to everyone.  It feels like life is just dealing you blow after blow.  People often say, “What next?” in anticipation.  There is no doubt something else is going to happen.  Both good news and bad comes every day.  It just feels personal and more severe because you are already hurting.  If these kinds of things are causing you grief that you can’t shake, don’t ignore it.  Talk to someone that understands and can help you.  Often you just need to express your grief to someone who is not judgmental and can help guide you through it.  If you are grieving and seek help, there are a variety of options.  Email me at kime.eubanks@gmail.com for suggestions.

Photo used by permission, Flickr Creative Commons, by jeaneeem