Eubanks Family Branson

Summertime and the living is easy … well maybe, maybe not, but we do tend to find some down time in the summer.  Families with children regularly take advantage of the days when the kids are out of school.  Finding time to get away takes planning but summer is a good time to build some new, happy memories.  A happy time may be more difficult when there is a glaring empty space in the family.  This space cannot be filled by another person, nor can it be ignored.  Both will lead to more pain than healing.  So the challenge, as in all grieving situations, is to learn to enjoy life and still deal with the emotions associated with loss.

I have to begin by saying that it is okay to forget sometimes.  You must.  If you try to spend every waking moment remembering someone who isn’t there you will never find peace.  “Moving on” is not a profane phrase, it all depends on how you move on.  You can move on and still honor the person you lost.  This is a balance and I can tell you from experience that guiding your children is not easy.  Every child is on a different journey and they do not all need the same type of attention, but they all need attention.  You will hit the mark and miss the mark, but they will know you care if your heart and intention are genuine.  With that in mind here are a few summertime suggestions:

Idleness is not good.  Kids certainly need some down time and a week or two of doing nothing at home isn’t bad, but they need something to do.  This can be a vacation, spending time with grandparents, volunteering, camps, swimming pool passes, jobs–you name it.  Kids like to rest but they also know when they have wasted time.  Give them something positive to do.  They may resist but do it anyway.  They will feel better.

Do something new.  When planing a day trip or long vacation, familiarity can be good but it can also highlight the fact that someone is missing.  Early on after my wife died I took my kids to Branson, MO, a trip their mom had planned for us many times.  Although we did have a little fun it was hard on all of us and the overall vibe of the trip was not good.  I suggest going somewhere where new experiences prevail over old memories.

Include some one-on-one experiences.  Individual time with your children is the most reassuring for them.  I have three children, girl/boy/girl, spanning 7 years in age.  Of course they are all very different.  A day of fun planned specifically for each of them individually does much more to make them feel loved and secure than a big family vacation.  It gives you time to hear their specific needs and feelings.

Do not pack too much in the schedule.  The temptation when planning any outing is to squeeze in as much activity as y0u can.  Everyone has their own definition of a fun vacation, but don’t be so busy you don’t have time to connect.

Summer may not always be easy but it is a natural time to plan some healing activities.  You don’t have to go far or spend a lot of money.  Relaxing time together can be healing time together.  You can’t force a child to feel a certain way, but you can show them how you feel about them by giving them your time.

 

Eubanks familyThe last formal family photo with Tina Eubanks in March 2006, nine months before she passed away.

There are times after the loss of your mother when rational thought does not come easy.  On social media people are posting pictures of their mother, and a mix of emotions emerge–pain, anger, regret, happiness.  In your head you know that everyone who has their mother is doing exactly what they should … what you would be doing if your mother was still here.  You would visit her, have a meal, give her cards, and tell her how much she means to you, but you cannot.  I don’t know this feeling firsthand.  My mother is still here, a survivor of cancer and cancer free for almost 30 years.  When I was married in 1988 my mother was undergoing cancer treatment.  She is still here, but the mother of my children is not.  My children were 12, 8, and 5 when their mother passed away.  Nearly a decade later, they miss her every day.  Of course most people lose their mother at some point and it is always hard, but going through your childhood and teenage years without her is a unique kind of pain.

As a father of three hurting children I wanted to do what most men want to do, fix it, but this can’t be fixed.  I tried many things and found ways to survive Mother’s Day.  Decision number one was to skip church and don’t eat out on Sundays.  It is too painful to see everyone else with their mothers.  Decision number two was to do something different, not sit around the house moping.  The first year I took them to the pet store and bought them all hamsters.  I wouldn’t recommend you do that, really, but at least it gave us something to smile about that day and the stories we have are fun memories.  For us, a mixture of diversion and remembering has worked.  We have settled on visiting my mother most of the time.  She and my wife were very close and the she is adored by my children.  She has filled many mothering roles for them.

Deciding what to do is not easy.  I had to try to perceive the thoughts and feelings of my children.  Knowing what one wants during grief is difficult.  Even the griever does not know for sure except that they want the one thing they can’t have.  It is even harder to discern the feelings and needs of children.  The key is to stop trying to make them feel a certain way.  Listen, observe, and discern how they already feel.  Address that.  One thing I learned early on for them is that visiting the cemetery was not something that helped them at all, so we didn’t.  That ritual is only for the living and if it doesn’t help, don’t do it.  You have to find a middle ground of remembering without being maudlin, distracting without dishonoring.  I can’t say I have always done it right.  Most days we have moved on and are living the life before us, but on Mother’s Day she must be honored and remembered.

 

Helping Grieving Children

April 21, 2016 — 1 Comment
Photo of my daughter Rileigh at age 5 courtesy of Donna Evans Photography, Conway Arkansas

Whenever a child loses a parent, some well-meaning but patronizing person is bound to say to the surviving parent, “Well, kids are resilient,” as a platitude.  I can tell you from experience that this is not helpful at all.  In fact it hurts.  Don’t say it.  Kids will live on, yes, but the loss will also greatly affect the rest of their lives.   The most often used phrase, “This too shall pass,” is equally dismissive of the emotional affect that such a loss has on children, even as adults.  This is not to say children can’t lead emotionally healthy lives, but just saying that they will “get over it” because they are young is fallacious.  These are some simple rules that will help you with grieving children.  When my children lost their mother they were 12, 8, and 5.  Dealing with my own deep pain, I began the journey of also helping them heal.  Now, ten years after their mom was diagnosed with cancer, I am living with three wonderful children who bless my life every day.  I will not reference their private experiences–that is their story to tell.  I can, however, offer some general insight for parents helping their children after a devastating loss.  There will be many more specific posts to follow, but let this be a starting place.

Allow them to see you grieve.  One of the main ways that children learn to cope with pain is by watching you.  They take your lead.  If you always put on a happy or brave face around them, they will stuff away their pain and that is when real damage is done.  This is not to say they don’t need to see you be strong, they do, but an appropriate show of grief will help them feel free to express their own.

Seek private help for yourself.  In order to learn from you, your children must witness your own healing journey.  Whether it is dear friends, other family members, a pastor, or a therapist–get help.  I sought help from all of theses sources.  As much as your children need to see you grieve, they also cannot be your support system.  They are kids.  Find adult help and make sure it is from an emotionally healthy adult.  There are many free services that are available.  You can also ask people you know to connect you with another adult, preferably of the same sex, who has advanced through their own grief journey.

Listen to and watch your children, individually.  No good therapist dispenses advice without listening first, a lot.  Each child responds to pain within their own experiences and personalities and to advise or correct them, you must hear and observe them.  Doing so without listening first may well result in an unhelpful intervention.  Like adults, children respond best when they know they have been heard.

Take your time.  Healing takes a long time and in fact never completely happens.  There isn’t an end to grief.  Time does not heal all wounds.  You are helping them learn to lessen their grief and find a new beginning.  Give yourself time as well.  It took me four years to turn the corner, but it will always be a part of my life.

Start with this simple advice.  It will help you make it through the day, and that is the goal in the beginning.  My pastor and grief mentor, Greg, told me this early on:  Grief forces you into a one-day-at-a-time perspective, and that is okay.  Yes, kids who lose a parent can heal and thrive, but leaving them to figure it out on their own can lead to depression, bad relationships, intimacy problems, and substance abuse.  Some have to figure it out on their own and do fine, but their chances are much greater if you help them with wisdom.  If you are a person of faith, pray–a lot.  Faith is another topic for another time.  In my experience, it has been essential.

Often when you have had a painful loss, it doesn’t feel like the grief will ever end.  You might not even want it to end, fearful that if you begin to feel good again it might mean you don’t care anymore.  Then you may also have friends and family further removed who are urging you to “get better” more quickly.  Of course they are doing so because they care and don’t like seeing you hurt.  All of this adds extra pressure and confusion.  You must keep in mind that grief is a natural healing process.  When a person is physically ill, a doctor cannot give you an exact timetable until you are healed.  Grieving is the same.  There is no preset, exact timetable for healing.

I write this during NCAA Tournament time which reminds me of the month of March 2007.  It had been one year since my wife had been diagnosed with cancer and 2 1/2 months since she had passed away.  The tournament was starting, my favorite sporting event of the year.  My old friends were setting up their brackets and I joined them, but of course I couldn’t get excited about it this time.  I was still in a mode of withdrawal and just doing the daily activities of survival for me and my kids.  I filled out my bracket and entered it, but I didn’t really care.  Now, nine years later, I am excited about it again.  I filled out my bracket today with much joy and anticipation of coming out on top among my friends.  The change didn’t happen quickly, for me it took about four years before my joy was fully restored, gradually increasing each year.

Basketball players are restricted by a time clock to reach their goal but you are not.  Your goal is to stay in the game.  You do have this in common with a basketball player:  It is your goal to keep fighting.  Healing doesn’t occur without effort.  It helped me to have my kids, and my job.  There was a reason to get out of bed everyday.  I had to show my children how to keep living.  I enrolled us in a family grieving program.  I took them on family trips.  I interacted with friends and family even when it was hard.  I prayed with them even though I was angry at God.  I even tried to find something to make us laugh every day.  Those things did not always make us happy, and they certainly didn’t erase the pain of our loss, but they kept us in the game.  Don’t try to put your healing on a timeline.  Just do the things that make life worth living even when it still hurts.  Find a someone who can help you process and understand your feelings and pain, and heal.  In the amount of time that is right for you, a new beginning will begin to emerge.  You will find a new beginning and a renewed happiness.

Jessica and Kime at the Tournament(With my daughter Jessica at the first round of the NCAA Tournament in Little Rock, 2008)

 

Rosanne and Joanne Cash caption

When you lose someone you love, your grief must be expressed.  Attempting to suppress it will only result in your grief coming out in an unhealthy way.  Your personal health and happiness is affected by how you choose to express it.  Rosanne Cash is honoring the memory of her father in way that is not only healing for her family but also for the many fans across the world who loved Johnny Cash.  I had the opportunity to meet Rosanne and her aunt Joanne Cash at a fundraiser for the restoration and upkeep of the Johnny Cash Boyhood Home in Dyess, Arkansas.  Although she never lived there, Rosanne did visit the home with her father when she was 12 years old.  Johnny himself admitted that he had deep ties to his boyhood home and many of his songs were influenced by those memories, some painful.  Rosanne said he knew and loved every rock on that property.  His most painful memory was likely the loss of his brother, Jack, who at age 15 was in a tragic sawmill accident and died after several days of suffering.  It has been suggested that the soulful, brooding Johnny Cash was born that day.

Young J.R., as he was known then, soon learned that people grew weary of him talking about his lost brother and closest friend, so he quit.  It is well documented that Johnny dealt with his pain in ways that were unhealthy for years, later finding better ways to express it.  Rosanne and the rest of the family have found a healing way to remember J.R., by restoring the boyhood home he loved so much.  Purchased by Arkansas State University, the once dilapidated home is now almost exactly like it was in 1935.  Joanne Cash, his sister, has been meticulous in her research and remembrance of the home in which they grew up together.  She has overseen each detail of the home’s decoration, even down to their mother’s original piano and song books.  From their mother they learned that music can sooth a troubled soul and smooth the edges of a rugged existence.  The attraction not only portrays the history one of the most popular music artists of all time, but also serves as an example of the lives of impoverished delta farm families in the Dyess colony created by President Roosevelt’s New Deal.

Most of us don’t have a famous family member to whose home tens of thousands of fans would flock each year.  Even keeping the room of a lost loved one unchanged is, after time, unrealistic and unhelpful.  There are many ways to remember someone that promote growth and healing.  Like Johnny, you could express yourself in a song, or write a poem, or a book.  Some people plant a tree or a garden.  I have known of public gardens in which you can dedicate a section as a memorial with a sign.  There are many creative ways that you can have a positive effect on the people and world around you.  Yours should reflect both your own memories and creative interests.

Johnny Cash home

Photo from Wikimedia Commons, Thomas R Machnitzki photographer.

You can learn more about the project at http://dyesscash.astate.edu/.

MTM_211

Have you ever noticed a person who doesn’t seem to be acting appropriately after a life-changing event?  People sometimes act out of character after being dealt a devastating blow.  Many were incredulous when a father who had lost his child during the Sandy Hook shooting was laughing as he approached the podium for a news conference, only to turn serious and mournful in appearance when he started speaking.  The conspiracy theorists claimed it was proof he was an actor and the whole event was faked.  The truth is that his behavior is indeed bizarre, but also not abnormal for the situation.  We have no idea all of the emotions that man was experiencing at the moment.  His life was turned upside down by a death that was senseless.

I am reminded of episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show in which one of their coworkers at the TV station, Chuckles the Clown, passed away in a bizarre accident.  At the funeral something made Mary laugh and she couldn’t hold it back.  The more she tried, the more she laughed.  Although some were mortified, it may have been a fitting response for a man whose career was to make people laugh.  This was a good portrayal of grief that may seem unusual, even unseemly, but is not inappropriate.  There is nothing normal about the death of someone you love, losing your job, losing your home, or any catastrophic event.  These are disruptions to the framework of your life that you use everyday to define normal.  For that reason it is quite common for a person to act in ways that others might determine to be improper for the environment.  Those concerned should allow the grieving person to express it in whatever way they want, within reason.  People who are hurting truly don’t know how to act and may go through a variety of emotions, some of which may seem strange.

It is okay to express your grief through tears, anger, laughter or even solitude.  Of course their are inappropriate ways to grieve including self-medication and risky behavior.  These will not heal, but take you away from peace and normalcy you seek.  Some people will not understand your expressions of grief.  Some will criticize you.  It is good to have people in your life who will watch over you but just let you express yourself, unless you are endangering yourself or others.  They can be family members who are more removed from the severity of the loss, or friends, or support groups.  Feel free to contact me with concerns about your own grief or that of someone you know at kime.eubanks@gmail.com.

37215_404535451079_5822654_n

They are right there waiting for you when you get up in the morning or when you get home from work.  They are excited to see you regardless of how you feel or how others feel about you.  They are capable of giving you unconditional affection.  It doesn’t matter how bad your day has been, they are glad to be with you.  They may exercise with us, play with us, cuddle with us.  We even take pictures with them (above is my family picture with our dog, George, in 2010).  They definitely amuse us.  The amount of funny pet videos is endless on TV and the web.  Pets also care about us.  I have seen my own pets approach my children when they are upset, obviously concerned.  If you don’t think pets can grieve when they are separated from a human friend, search the internet, the stories and videos are numerous and compelling.  Books and movies about pets often involve the loss of the pet as a part of the story.  Such stories as Old Yeller, Where the Red Fern Grows, Marley and Me, and The Incredible Journey are just a few.  These are quite popular because people identify with them and it validates the love and grief they have felt for pets.

Our pets have distinct personalities and the way their dispositions match up with our own determines the depth of affection, just like human relations.  You likely have had pets that you felt closer to than others.  Just like with other people, the closer you are to a pet determines the depth of your grief.  I have known some people for whom it is so difficult, they simply don’t ever get another pet for fear of going through it again.  Certainly to immediately go out and get another pet is not going to erase the pain of losing a cherished friend.  The grief is just as real as losing a human loved one.  Below I have included a couple of links that are very helpful in traveling the through the grief of losing a pet.

Just as in grieving over a lost human friend, sometimes losing an animal friend may cause you to have trouble returning to life as it was before you lost them.  How can you?  They are no longer there.  Life without them can be difficult at first.  You may need to talk to someone who understands that your grief is legitimate and can help you find a new life without your friend.  Don’t bury the hurt, express it, and get help if you need it.

Coping with Pet Loss

Humane Society: Coping with the Death of Your Pet